Tuesday, August 28, 2012
confessions of an emotional eater
I am an emotional eater! It runs in the family. It is ingrained in me, and it is not an easy thing to overcome. I overcame it for a while when I was single. I had lost 90 pounds in a year and a half. I was looking good and feeling good too. Over the last seven and a half years I have put back on 80 of those 90 pounds. At the time, I used music as my medium for feeling and experiencing emotions. I had learned to use music instead of food. Instead of eating sweet stuff when feeling happy, I would listen to happy music. Instead of eating high fat, salty food when depressed, I listened to music that reflected that emotion. When I was feeling bored, sometimes cruchy food was the answer, Sometimes it was creamy foods. When I felt those urges to eat those foods not because I was hungry; but feeling emotions, I used music. I found that I could divert my emotions with music and the cravings for food would pass. It was working for me.I was happy and healthy. I was eating good foods, I was loving myself. Life was at a good place. I did well with this for a year and a half, until I found the love of my life, my husband.
I found that spending time cultivating a relationship with my husband became more important that developing a relationship with myself. I loved taking care of him. I enjoyed making those comfort foods that I knew he would like. I was enjoying the love that I felt from him. It was a good relationship. I was feeding my spirit well, yet forgot to feed my body. I forgot my mantra which was I EAT TO FUEL MY BODY, NOT TO FEED MY EMOTIONS! We were only married a short while when we found out we were pregnant.
Being pregnant is not easy on a body. I experienced alot of sickness. It got to a point that I would eat "whatever I could tolerate". After coming out of pregnancy and food tasted good again, I found myself eating everything and anything. About a year later, I found out I was pregnant with another. We ended up having two more children. Having three babies in the first 4 years of marriage became emotionally and physically draining.
I turned to food again. I was feeling stress. Stress was not one of those emotions that I felt on a regular basis when single. Life was easy when single. Once marriage and kids set in I was feeling stress quite often. I did not have the skills to deal with that emotion. It was so natural to go back to emotional eating. Life was busy, Finding time to take a shower was about the only time I had for me. Figuring out what you are feeling and finding music to match is not a high priority when there are three little ones needing all your time and attention. Life became a blur, and my eating became out of control again.
THE TURNING POINT
A few months ago, I heard a term "Carb Coma" I thought what are they talking about? Then I looked back in my life. I realized that I have spent most of my life in a carb coma. I used to describe is as a "Fat full feeling". Feeling full and totally satisfied, and content in your tummy. Whole grains and vegetables do not evoke that feeling. They leave you with a different feeling. They do not put you in that place. Sometimes I feel like I need to have that high fat, high sugar treat, I want to be in that place that it puts me; that carb coma. I learned to live outside that place. I had to be content in other areas of my life not just in my stomach. I did it for a year and a half. What happened?
Old habits die hard! I have spent all of my life except that year and a half in a carb coma. It is a comfortable place to be. I can hide my emotions under the pillow of white foods, white bread, pasta, rice, cookies, cakes, french fries chips, etc. It is so much easier to bury the emotions than to feel them and deal with them. I still struggle with wanting to live in that carb coma place. I sill crave that "fat full" comfortable feeling. It is where I have lived most of my life. I am learning to be content and not just in my tummy. I am wanting to teach my children to do the same. I see my son, I hear him saying "I am still hungy" when there is food on his plate. It is telling me that he does not feel that carb coma. He will say "I am not hungry for that food" He wants the high fat, high carb foods. I do not want him to follow along these same patterns. Changing my patterns will change him. I will be the example for him. I will break the family cycle!
I am on a journey to deal with emotions. I am on a quest to conquer the emotional eater inside. It is alot easier now that I have growing children instead of babies. The kids are big enough that they do not have to have constant supervision. Although my three year old still needs alot. I have found that blogging replaced the music that used help bring my emotions into focus. It is working for me at the moment. I am begining to be content and full in all areas of my life. I am able to let it come from life experiences rather than from my tummy. I am feeling fulfilled from the outside in. I am feeling real nourishment, and real fulfilment.
I am learning to live a real full life. My weight still prevents me physically from doing alot that I want. but that is changing. My husband is glad to see the "old me" (the one that he married) back. The kids love having a present parent. I am not as depressed as I was a few months ago. Life is getting better. I am not walking about in the "carb coma fog". It is a process and a journey. Come along with me. Get out of the fog of a carb coma! Start living and loving!