Monday, July 9, 2012

Showing your love in a way they understand.

The Present Parent loves their children in a way they understand

                                  THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES a book by Gary Chapman

This is a book I highly recommend for everyone. I read it before I got married to my husband. Seven years later we are happily married. His oldest daughter just got married and we bought her a copy. I hope she will read it and take it to heart.

 It begins with a chapter entitled "What happens to love after the marriage?"  The second chapter is about our "love tank" and how to keep it full.  Then it goes into detail about the different love languages.

Each person feels love in a different way. Learning to love our family in a way they understand is key to family happiness. 

The five love languages are.......

Words of affirmation

Quality time

Recieving gifts

Acts of service

Physical touch

Where do you fall? What about those around you?  Are those you love feeling it?

My husband's love language is quality time and physical touch. I show love with acts of service. Sometimes we run into trouble when I am so busy  running about doing things for him. I forget to do things with him. He and the children like to help with the housekeeping. I can get a little upset with them. I feel like keeping up the house is something I want to do for them. I enjoy being alone with myself, thinking and doing for them.  Doing it with me is what they are really craving. I have to remember that they need time with me to feel love.

Like Father, like son. Our boy is just like his dad. Both crave quality time and physical touch. Sometimes it is hard to fit in time for each of them. We can run into some jelousy issues when one is feeling like I am spending more time and attention on the other. I am learning how to make it work for us. I am learning to balance it all. I am trying to remember to touch those two men in my life daily. A hand on the shoulder of my son, a tousel of his hair, can speak volumes to him. Slowing down and holding hands with my husband really makes him tick. In the evenings; I would much rather tell him I love him by making sure the house is clean and orderly.  He would rather I stop and sit a while with him. I choose to love him. I stop and sit with him a while. I don't worry so much about the other things. 

One point that was brought up in the book that caught my attention. He said that the children who grow up on an empty love tank. Have alot more troubles. They are likely to "act out". They are more likely to try and find love somewhere else. Had my parents not spoke the love language "acts of service". I would have been one of those kids. My parents spoke all the languages to some extent. I am grateful for that. I am working on being more well rounded. I am learning to pay attention to those whom I love and  and learning to speak  their language. I am learning a new language "words of affirmation"

Our  two girls are very sensitive to the words we say. They need to be told daily that they are loved. They need to know they are special. The younger of the two girls speaks the other languages pretty well. She is well rounded. Her older sister's main love language is Words of affirmation. I have to work hard to make sure that she is feeling loved. This is the language I speak the least. Learning to speak softly, gently, and in a positive tone of voice, has really made a difference. Making sure she knows that I notice the good things she does and telling her is soooo important for her. She needs alot of praise. I have to make it a real point to say something good to her everyday. "You did a great job at ____!"  "I appreciate that you listened the first time I asked you to  ___."   and so on the list goes. It seems like an overwhelming amount of praise to me, but I know it is important for her.

I have recently come the conclusion that this is my Mother's love language. She would shower me with words of affermation. She was telling me I love you. I heard "Blah Blah Blah". I would roll my eyes at her. "Oh mom, enough already."  I had one boyfreind that was great at showering me with all the praises in the world and I just thought he was "full of hot air" I totally did not get that these people were saying "I love you" My daughter gets this.This is why she loves Grandma so much. Grandma speaks her love languge.

I have seen the positive outcome of my efforts to LOVE MY FAMILY WELL. There is still much to learn. There are many skills to develop.We are making Giant strides in the right direction. Our family is alot better for our efforts. Our home is alot nicer. There is less tension. Our home is becoming a "soft place to fall" when the world gets to us. It is worth my efforts to make sure that those I love are not running on empty and  to love them in a way they understand.

Is someone you love running on an empty love tank? Are you running on empty yourself? Do you need to learn a new "love language?" 

How are you loving you family well?  leave a comment below

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  1. I haven't read this book, but I have heard of the concept. I think I am a words of affirmation and receiving gifts type. My husband is definitely a physical touch and acts of service type. It's hard to step out of the comfort zone of what I like in order to give him what he likes, but I think it is so worth it.

  2. My husband and I try to periodically focus on what the love language is for each of our children. We really love this concept. I wish i had this book. We have never actually read it. We have just read some of the definitions on their web page and gone with that. Sometimes I will write my little ones notes because they like writing me notes. Sometimes I will just spend time with them by taking one to the grocery store with me. Sometimes I will just sit and hug on them. I never get too much of that done. There is always room for improvment. Thanks for the reminder! I am your newest follower. come by and see me on the blog.

  3. I don't really quite fall in anywhere, although if I'm being reproved, I need to be touched.

  4. Although I have not read the book, I am very familiar with the concepts. It is very helpful to understand the different ways people express and receive love!! This was a very helpful post!

    My husband's love language is physical touch and giving/receiving gifts. Mine is words of affirmation and acts of service. It certainly causes problems when we don't understand that someone is showing us love in a different way than what speaks to us. Just understanding that concept really has the potential to improve our relationships!

  5. Thanks for sharing all the insights you've gained from looking at how your family expresses and receives love languages. This is a good exercise for any family to do. And I love Gary Chapman's book. It's a true marriage classic. Thanks for this encouragement!